Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Steff & Jorah as lovers. Wait, not with each other.

Fair warning: this is silly.

Rainey and I had a very interesting discussion today. Very interesting. What kinds of lovers would Steff and Jorah be? 

If you don't know who Steff (from Pretty in Pink) and Jorah (from Game of Thrones) are, I feel sorry for you and recommend you rectify this immediately. I'm pretty sure Pretty in Pink is on Netflix.


So, one of my favorite stories about Steff and the man who played him--James Spader--is that Spader came to his audition in character, i.e. as a smug bastard. At the end, he made sure to flick a cigarette on the floor and give it a good swish with his designer shoe before leaving the room. John Hughes hated him, but somebody championed him and he got the role. Thank God.

No one else would have been able to pull off the sleaziness, the entitlement, the sexiness and the complexity of the character. I personally think there was a lot more to Steff than face value.

Think of the scene when he propositions Andie--way before Blane makes his advances. Their encounter also suggests this isn't the first time he's pursued her.

"C'mon, I'm talking about more than just sex here," he says, cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Andie sassily tells him off.

Yeah, I think Steff was used to getting what he wanted and was massively irritated she was saying no. And yeah, I think he probably couldn't handle seeing his beta "best friend" Blane dating the one girl who said "no" to him. I do think, however, there was something a little more there.

It doesn't matter. He's a huge dick, but MAN is he sexy. 

But how would he be as a lover? What the hell would he do during sex, and after?

Here's Rainey's opinion: 

"Steff would do mind games & be a bit pretentious in bed too. But that might be interesting.

She also wondered if he'd bother taking her clothes off. 

"Would he think it was worth it?"

She envisions him wearing his tennis whites, and making her ride him and doing all the work.

"I always imagined him working out his aggression on me... all pretentiousness and silk sheets."

My opinion:

Almost the same.

I think there'd be a lot of whiskey in the room, and he may or may not be drunk when it begins. The sex would be wicked, rough and adventurous. I'd learn a few new tricks from him, for sure! I'm not so sure how interested in my pleasure he'd be.

I think he'd disrobe completely for the act, but once he was finished he'd slip his boxers and fancy $300 dress shirt on almost right away--"Don't wrinkle it". A cigarette would automatically slip between his lips without him even having to think about it.

A few minutes later he'd glance over at me.

"Don't you have someplace to be?"

I'd do my walk of shame, but before I was entirely out of the room he'd call my name. 

"Can you hand me the whiskey bottle over there before you go?"


So Jorah is kind of screwed. He started out trying to buy his way back to Westeros/King's Landing by spying on Dany. Once he heard she was knocked up, he practically tripped to slip away and get the news over to King Robert. Now he is Dany's right hand. Only a matter of time before she finds out...

Anyway, we know what happened. Great tragedy, and then Dany got her shit in gear and became the badass Mother of Dragons and Breaker of Chains we know now.

But something happened to Jorah along the way. Number one, he became mega awed by Daenerys's baddassery. Number two, he came to feel she was the one destined to rule the Iron Throne. And three, he fell in love with her HARDCORE. Hardcore in love with her. Like, he probably creeps into her bedchamber at night and snips a piece of her hair and sniffs it. He wooooorsssshiiiiipppps her.

And Dany? Well. She thinks he's a great adviser, and a wonderful friend.

Sorry, Jorah. But I must confess I still ship them. I pray every episode that young, nubile Daenerys will turn her eyes to him and be like, "He's kinda hot and he loves me more than anyone else. Let's do this."

The likelihood of that happening is the equivalent of Ned Stark rising from the dead, but A GIRL CAN DREAM, OKAY?!

So, how would Jorah be as a lover?

Rainey and I are torn on how to approach this. Do we judge him as a lover as if he were having sex with Dany? Or with us? Or with some other woman? We're going to do our best to represent it all.

Rainey says:

Okay, let me just preface all her quotes by saying this girl is obsessed with this poor man crying after having sex. But let me go on...

Rainey says, "Jorah might cry after. You can have him when he cries." (first reference to him crying)

Later she insists, "He would so cry! He's been longing forever, and I can just see him as the type to cry!"

After I said stop it, she said, "Yes he would! He'd be so happy he finally had sex!"

She was also a little unsure, when I asked her, if he'd have sex if he couldn't have sex with Daenerys. I say under the right circumstances, sure. The guy's gotta be desperate at this point.

What I say:

I love Jorah intensely. I don't care that he's older. I don't care he betrayed her in the beginning. 

I love him. LOVE HIM. No one shall talk me out of it.

I think he'd be tender, loving and worshipping. He'd know a thing or two and he'd use it, but it would be all slow and steady with him. 

If he got a chance to bang Dany, and it was a moment of passion, I could see him dragging her to bed and ravishing her quickly. Then he'd smugly have a jug of beer because he finally got what he wanted and prepare for the slow second round. And no, he wouldn't fucking cry.

I feel like I'm perverted for rooting for Daenerys and Jorah, but whatever. Rainey does, too!

And I also pray for Brienne and Jaime but that's a post for another day.

So what we have here are two men at opposite sides of the boyfriend spectrum. Steff would be the asshole boyfriend who'd only call you on Saturday at 2am. Jorah would be the guy who would text you frequently. Steff will never remember your birthday. Jorah will remember how you got that little scar on your wrist. You'd probably remember sex with Steff for the rest of your life, but you'd never, ever be able to hold on to him...and you probably wouldn't want to.

And there's that. Thanks for playing, Rainey.


  1. You slander my (good) name, Madame! ~Rainey

  2. "I'm not obsessed with him crying, I just said he'd be the type TO cry during sex." -Rainey

  3. Steff would make you ride him while smoking, uncaring whether his cig grazed your skin (lightly). He would watch you contemptuously and the only attention he would pay is a slap or two to your breast. When he comes he would cry out Andy's name then smack your ass and tell you to leave. Now if that seems a cold, he would be redeemed that he is packing ;)

  4. OMG Casey, your vision is impeccable. I'm not sure about him screaming out Andie's name though (that's on the DL)... but everything else is on point.

  5. Yes it is on the DL, but his orgasm is a moment of weakness, I sticking with it. I have to catch on GOT before I have any opinion on Jorah.

  6. True, true. Yes, catch up on GoT and get in on the Jorah love!